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So shit, hi Livejournal!!!
Sorry I ditched yall like that so suddenly, but the lesser known Lasso of Cupid got me good. Lets see, Im not going into the Navy til the end of the summer, I moved, I dont have the internet, I have a boyfriend, Im living with said boyfriend, Im poor, fuck econo, and yeah my life is way different now.
Five weeks ago last saturday I met this guy Eddie. He drove to my house from the cities (fucking North Branch now that I think of it, fuck thats a LONG damn way) and we went on a roadie (smoked weed and drove around) and ended up having sex haha funny how that worked. Well the next night I drove up to his place and ended up staying there til I worked that weekend. Then pretty much the same thing the next few weeks.
We talked a lot about my plans and what we were gonna do and all that with me going into the Navy. Well, he said he could get me a job as "his" corporation, and he constantly showed me what kind of a guy he was, and the types of people he hangs out with, and he treats me so nice, and is head over heels for me. And Ive taken a hell of a shining to him, hes a really amazing guy. So a week or so before I quit econo, i told him Id decided that Id stay with him up here for the summer. And thats where I am.
Right now im in a place called Kodiak Coffee drinkin some iced tea and thinkin about getting a special k bar mmmmmm Ive had a bunch of adventures up here, for instance I got the worst sunburn of my life last week. From tuesday til yesterday it hurt to wear a shirt. YOU NEED A SHIRT EVERWHERE IN CIVILIZATION its gay and I hated it. My back and shoulders were blistery and omg hurt so bad. It was double bad, too, because I was just starting to see results from working out (crunches, pushups, pullup bar) and its all gone now from a week of sloth and misnutrition. But until then. I was looking sexay.
Oh shit some fucking emo kid with a skateboard just walked through here. Wow, tight fucking black jeans, emo swoosh hair... he not only was beaten with the ugly stick, he fell into the ugly canyon, down into the ugly river, and was pummeled by ugly rocks, and then finally given downs syndrome by god. And hes the faggiest fag in fagsville.
I dont wanna update more, but my god theres so much to say. Ill do more later, im sick of updating things. Stay black niggers peez
Not c/p'd from Myspace.
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dreams
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Apr. 12th, 2007 @ 11:20 am
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So I work towards the end of the week usually, like thurs to saturday. So I have a good chunk of the week off for STS and shit. Well the night before the day before I go to work, I always have TERRIBLE dreams. Such as I ALWAYS, every single time, dream that Ive somehow already missed my shift. Like Ill see a clock and itll be after I was supposed to get off, and Id never even been to work. But I never remember these fuckin dreams, and they always bother me for a few days. Things will remind me of something in the dream. So yeah, I just wanted to share.
Today I work and die a little bit inside. Not really its only 3 hours I could do that with my dick between my legs. Later men |
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I noticed yesterday that my upper body is toning up nicely from carrying out bags of groceries and shit at work. My arms are a little bigger, I think. I found some different pushup techniques to work different things, so Ill be trying some of those to get myself fergalicious.
Three more days of STS this week, yahoo. So by wednesday Ill be down to four days. FOUR DAYS until I can start my future. So thatll be sunday, monday, tuesday, and wednesday of next week. Then Im ... I dunno, its all up to the courts and the Navy after that. My god, its coming up so fast. Jesus.
I met a cool guy today before I went to work, we chilled for a while and enjoyed each others company. Nice guy, named Eddie.
Night, LJ. |
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I want a RAZR V3T Phone. Thank you.
http://www.t-mobile.com/shop/phones/Detail.aspx?tp=tb2&device=294bfa11-13be-4ff3-9b0a-9f9d21723f87
mmmmmm makes me hard. I wanna be one of those jerkoffs with a thing on my ear and seemingly talking to no one. The thing has a badass camera. I guess it can play mp3s too. MmmMMMMMmmM I WANT |
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i just found a big depression trigger, ive been feeling great for days but all of a sudden... trigger'd. |
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I went to STS for the second time this week, and I feel good. Barring any severe occurances, Ima walkin up the steps of my adulthood, and towards the rest of my life. (hence the poem) So for the next three weeks its that and work. Im finally bucklin down.
Im no longer gonna try to work out regularly, but just try for like 3 times a week and work on my chest a lot, and my upper body almost as much. With some cardio and crunches/pushups ill be feelin fine.
Im in better moods these days, and thats cool. Didnt even need the St Johns Wort. Imagine that, I did it on my own.
Me, Cities, Weekend after next. Lets make something happen. |
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Im in a wicked fucking good mood now.
Today at work there was a mouse outside of the front door. I walked out to see it, and it was just chillin. Prolly confused and scared out of his mind, but I didnt care, he was cute shit. He looked at me, I looked at him, and it was love. Part of me wished Id scooped him up and brought him home, but that woulda been some extra effort I just wasnt willing to spend at work. So I named him Chedder, and gently nudged and directed him towards the brush and trees at the side of the store. It took a few minutes, but I got him there. I hope he stayed there and didnt go get his ass run over by a car or something.
I was going to draw an artists rendition of me and Chedder, but I didnt. So heres me if I had a dragon:
:3 Later LJ, hope everyones feelin as good as I am. How are you?
Heres a question for those who actually read this: How are you; What song are you currently crazy about and why?
I love Fresh Feeling, by Eels. Here it is, all uploaded and ready for ya: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=31S8ZWTA . It starts out with an orchestral string part, and is just some smooth sounds from there out. It sounds a little like Beck, but not quite. Enjoy it! |
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Well I woke up at a decent enough time, I wanted to get up early, and though I went back to sleep after my alarm, I only slept for like 40 minutes. So good for me.
A few days ago me and someone were talking, it got a little heated a few times, and he said some things to me, about me, that I denied even to myself at the time. But thinking about it, he was right. I wont go into what was said, but suffice to say I feel crappy today, not just because of this, but because I dont like who I am. I dont know what I want from myself (and most of the time I think I expect too much), I dont know what I want out of anyone (ditto), and even though Im trying, I still feel like Im stagnating. Its getting nearer and nearer to the time when Im beyond help, and worse and worse things start happening to myself.
Yesterday was not too bad a day, I stayed in my room pretty much all day, because it was shitty and raining outside and I couldnt work more. It looks about as shitty today, sans the rain. But yesterday I made food, read, updated and went through my mp3 player, made a few DVDs, and didnt watch a drop of TV. So good for me. The grounding is over for this week, and I hope I dont use it as a crutch to get out of STS next week, but I dont think I will.
Oh, I also did a bunch of exercise last night, so that made me feel better about things. i
Blah, there are days I really aint so keen on myself. |
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Go crazy?
DONT MIND IF I DO!!! *best freakout scene in television history*
I woke up this morning at the time when I wouldve had to leave to make it there on time. So Im going to stay here, clean, do some yardwork, etc. Yardwork with weed = teh shit. But whatever, itll be fun either way. I hope nothing good is on TV tonight :(
Im still gonna watch A Goofy Movie before I go to bed tonight. No one can take that away from me.
I decided I might pick up a bottle of St Johns Wort this weekend, cause its supposed to help depression. Well have to see, but it would be nice to be a little happier. |
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Download this song: Fresh Feeling by Eels. Its soooo good. I downloaded all their CDs, too, but I havnt listened to them yet, and so I cant vouch for their goodness, but Im sure theyre awesome.
Im watching IFL right now, which is pretty much ultimate fighting. I hate wrestling, but two hot guys hitting each other is pretty hot. Damn this show is FULL of hot guys. Sweet.
This morning I was going to go to STS. I had my alarm set and everything, and I even woke up at 6:30 when it went off. But all I remember is fucking around with my alarm this morning, so I obviously didnt get up. There are days I really hate myself.
I suck. Seriously. I have the worst will power Ive ever ever ever seen in anyone. Its so hard for me to do anything that I dont want to do, and its SOOOO hard for me to stick to a plan to do things to better myself/get out of my comfort zone. I mean I shouldve had my STS done a fucking month ago, but here I am. I dunno, shit just really, really, REALLY sucks ass nowadays.
[21:07] maybeaperson: but im just in a shitty mood lately
[21:07] Minmongoblin: i bet
[21:07] maybeaperson: smoking too many cigs
[21:07] maybeaperson: too much stress
[21:07] maybeaperson: but
[21:08] maybeaperson: the only way things are gonna change is if i just get down to business
[21:08] maybeaperson: and stop bieng a fucking fag
[21:08] maybeaperson: and just get my shit in order and leave
[21:08] Minmongoblin: start with no smoking +D
[21:08] Minmongoblin: =D
[21:08] maybeaperson: no
[21:09] Minmongoblin: -_- ur gros
[21:09] maybeaperson: shut up
so thats what Im going to do, just do my STS, work as much as I can, and gtfo of MN. Its the ONLY way things are going to turn up for me, and theres no one standing in my way but me.
It seems so easy to do what needs to be done, and it should be, but again, I suck. Im thinking like, taking things away from myself. If I dont go to STS tomorrow, I stay home. If I dont go wednesday, I stay home and no phone. And so on and so forth, with the consequences getting worse if I keep fucking up. So thatll be it, if I dont go tomorrow I cant leave my house and-
OH FUCK. The episode of Frasier im watching an ep with James Earl Jones, I fucking love this episode. Its heartwarming. And I love JEJ.
No leaving the house and no tv. there we are. *sucks it up and stops bieng a bitch* |
| » you know you need a change when every other thought starts with 'i cant wait...' |
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Well, my week of change is off to a great start. No STS tomorrow, I got hella sidetracked tonight and I had to call today to go tomorrow, so Ill go Tuesday.
Ive also had a kinda shitty weekend. Just worked, had a littel get together last night, and worked today. Ive been in a HELLA bad mood all weekend, like I wake up and I know its going to be a shitty day. Im usually all for the 'your-mind-sets-your-reality' stuff, but it was just one of those moods.
And to kick my week off Jayson and I are done in the romantic way. I finally made the decision that I dont wanna do a long-distance thing while Im in the Navy. I still like him, but I mean its already gonna be hard to leave him, and getting any closer would just be self-inflicted pain. So there we are. He didnt even seem at all broken up about it. And not trying to be vain, but, if he were to do the same to me, Id be a little upset. I mean I was kinda choking up as I was talking. But that was one of the biggest things we had, I didnt feel like he really cared. He said it, but never really showed it. Live and learn, then get luvs, I spose.
Funny story, right when I get around to cleaning myself up and quitting weed, I get a dealer in Cannon. Wtf. I swear somethings out to get me.
Back to the good ol single lonely depressed days. And weeks.
But how are you?
Mar. 18th, 2007 @ 11:48 am
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| » pop tarts were .99 baby! |
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So today was cool, but it was meh. I went to work at 3, then got off at 6. Then I went up to St Paul to give Jena her moneys, and we chilled up there for a while. Im all drived out. Ive been driving soooo much lately. That was probably one of my last trips up to the cities while im still here.
Ive said it a million times, but next week I really wanna start getting into a better schedule. STS, working out, eating better; ive put so much shit into my body over the last few weeks, its terrible. After this week when I get a check, Im filling my tank up with gas, then giving the rest to mom. In exchange she pays my bills. That will hopefully get me into a better frame of mind, because Im always hella angry at myself for how much money I spend. So well see how that goes.
Im just in a kinda shitty mood tonight. Gettin lonely. Im slipping back into some things that I should be long past. I could go on for another paragraph about stuff, but its the same as the shit in my last entries. Someday this journal wont be so emo, and I hate reading peoples LJs that are always emo about something, so it makes me sad that this is so emo. *sigh*
On an upnote, Im gettin excited about starting to work out. Mon, Wed, and Fri im gonna do chest, arms, upper upper body, and back; and Tues/Thurs im gonna do my ab stuff. Along with a little time on the bike for some cardio, I should be better. So yeah, Im still alive.
Mar. 16th, 2007 @ 11:42 am
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| » Fuck yeah |
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, you're now logged in!
Below you'll find your test result. After, continue on to your
homescreen to discover what we're about.
Sylar
You scored 33 Idealism, 79 Nonconformity, 41 Nerdiness
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How can you stop what's coming... when you don't know anything about power?
Congratulation, you're Sylar, the artist formerly known as Gabriel Gray! You are a seriously nerdy person with an enormous desire to be different, and to be recognized for it. As long as you don't go eating brains, this doesn't have to be a bad thing at all. You're ambitious, intelligent, tenacious, and unique.
Your best quality: Panache
Your worst quality: An obsessive desire for recognition and power
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My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 99% on Idealism | | You scored higher than 99% on Nonconformity | | You scored higher than 99% on Nerdiness |
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Mar. 8th, 2007 @ 04:05 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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You'll die from an Unlikely Illness (like the plague).
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You will unfortunately succumb to a random and unlikely disease. Only to find out after death that eating more broccoli would have cured you.
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| 'How will you die?' at QuizGalaxy.com |
Mar. 6th, 2007 @ 01:37 pm
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| » Whats new, Pussycat? |
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I need a new alarm clock. I HATE the sound of mine. Its the reason Ive been late for work a few times, because when it goes off in the morning and im only thinking on an instinctual level, I think 'me no wanna hear this again. me turn alarm off. go back to sleep. no care consequences. *grunt grunt*' I can set my stereo to go off at certain times, but I have to set it every single day I want it to go off, and Im too lazy for that shit.
I was going to do STS today, but I forgot to turn my alarm on this morning and I woke up about 10 minutes ago. I did one day, last tuesday, and Ill go tomorrow and possibly friday. I took sundays, mondays, and tuesdays off of work so I can FORCE myself to go as much as possible. I met this guy there, standard scum of the universe that youd expect to meet at Sentanced to Service. Me and him *he doesnt deserve proper grammar* cleaned an ice arena for our time that day. Mopping, sweeping, vacuuming, all that shit. It was great.
I almost got a baggy of weed that day, I had 10 bucks on me and we coulda split an eighth. Theres been a battle going on inside my head about marijuana. I miss it, I <3 it, but I shouldnt be smoking it. I dont know when Ill have a UA coming up, and if theres even a chance that Ill have THC in my system when I test for the Navy, Im fucked. But all that reasoning goes out the window the second I have money and a connection. Luckily, I rarely have the two at the same time.
Im really trying to be a better guy from this week on. I say that a lot, and every time I do I swear I make an effort, but the will to do anything about anything dwindles and I crash back into my old, familiar, comfortable habits. I have the will power of a damn mosquito and If Im hungry and In town and I got some money, I go to Subway. Like Ive been leaving my money at home, and it works great. I dont really miss it I just think 'oh, dont have any money damn.' So after this weeks check, Im getting gas, keeping 5 or 10 bucks in my wallet, and leaving the rest of it here at home where itll be safe from my dumbassery.
Im also gonna try to work out more, cause I read this big long thing on the Navy's boot camp, and if I dont improve my condition, Im gonna fail out of it just like I fail out of everything else. Its gonna be hard though, because like I say I start something, but eventually I fall back into my old habits. I need the Navy if I ever wanna be a better guy.
Im a 20 year old broke college dropout with a shitty mentality and aspirations of grandeur. I know Im meant for more than carryout at a grocery store. Im meant for more than a fucking shitty tie and 8 bucks an hour. I dont wanna answer to some jackass boss that I hate. I dont wanna go into a place that I HATE with every fiber in my body just to make too little money that I spend in a weekend. We were meant to live for so much more, or at least I am.
Other things are going fine, Im still seeing Jayson though we fight all the time. It reminds me so much of Adam and I that its scary. Part of me things I should cut and run, and part of me thinks hes amazing. I know that even though we fight, I like him more and more as time goes by. I am trying to control my feelings for him, because after all, Ill hopefully be gone within two months, and I barely see him anymore, and the chances that Ill see him soon are thin. He says he misses me more than I know, but...
Though he doenst think so, I do need the Navy. I know me better than anyone else and I know after trying to change things about myself I still fall prey to situations I did as a 16 year old. Granted, Ive changed a lot about myself. Ive been forced to grow up a lot. And thats exactly it, I need to be FORCED to change to do it. But Ive gone through all that, and theres no longer an overbearing force instigating change, and I know Im not strong enough to do it myself. I still dont know what I want out of people. I still cant tap my potential. Ive never in my life had any sort of good, solid authority, and if I keep on keepin on without any, Im not gonna go anywhere. I need to be under someones control for a long time before I can do anything more with myself. I need to be forced into better habits.
Oh, So I creamed myself when I saw that my tax refund was going to be 700 bucks. Well. Turns out mom biffed something and I only got about 500, about half and half between state and federal. My state refund was kept becuase of the school bill that was referred to the IRS, and my federal went to getting two owed insurance payments paid. So, that excitement about all that was really worth nothing. Once again, life lets me down. Im used to it, so its not that bad.
I just keep saying telling myself that in four years everything will be different, and everything will be better. Its what keeps me going. Its the only thing that just keeps me from saying fuck it and quitting my job. I wonder sometimes what would happen if I just quit everything? Like if I file for bankruptcy and just got all my shit repo'd and I started over?
But thoughts like that dont matter. Soon Ill be in a better place and actually feel like Im doing something with my life. Ill be doing homework and studying and marching and yelling and all that crap. It excites the shit out of me. It keeps me going.
Well, if you read all this good for you, if not, youre a cock.
Mar. 6th, 2007 @ 11:58 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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 | You scored as Hannibal Lecter. You are Hannibal Lecter. You dont need to eat human flesh to live, but do so because it just taste good. You are very intelligent, and enjoy using it to your advantage to keep people guessing. You arent a killing machine, but when you do decide to let loose, watch out! Dinner is served, with some fava beans, and a nice chianti!
Hannibal Lecter | | 75% | Leatherface | | 65% | Michael Myers | | 60% | Freddy Krueger | | 60% | Pinhead | | 60% | Jigsaw | | 60% | Buffalo Bill | | 50% | Captain Spaulding | | 30% | Candyman | | 30% | Jason Voorhees | | 20% | </td>
Which Horror Killer are You?
created with QuizFarm.com |
Feb. 12th, 2007 @ 01:37 am
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| » As much as I hate to admit it... |
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...Im starting to love American Idol.
My life is full of bad influences...
Feb. 6th, 2007 @ 08:00 pm
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| » wtf |
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I came to say something cryptic, yet angry, but then I was like 'You know I always call people who do that shit some mean adjective in my head, and I dont wanna be that' so Im not. But. Well heres this.
kinda how I feel now
Feb. 3rd, 2007 @ 03:15 am
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| » Postlet before I head out today |
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I might have a second date with him tonight, I might not. Hopefully I will, he will probably be able to come down and then we'll go on a double date with Mel and Tyler. Omg itll be sickeningly cute. I really like this guy though, so I hope he gets his azz down here.
I just got a call from the community service guy, turns out he knows/knew my uncle. Haha god bless us Haggstroms. You know my family is actually one of the more influential ones around Cannon Falls? We actually started the church I used to go to, which is the church most of the countryfolk go to out here. We rock. Anyway, I have to be in Red Wing by 7:30 monday morning. Mah gawd does that excite me. But potentially I could get almost 40 hours next week, ergo, potentially I could have all of this done within three weeks. Ergo, I could be in the Navy within a month. Things are getting concrete, and that excites/scares me.
Figures though, I finally meet someone cool, and I have to go in the Navy. There is a god, and he hates me. YOU BASTARD.
smote'd
http://www.myspace.com/maybeaperson
You should all check out my Myspace, cause ive been hella updating it lately. Leave a comment or whatever while youre there, too.
Aight I need to shower n shit. L8az people
Feb. 2nd, 2007 @ 04:08 pm
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| » Note to self: |
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try not to act like a silly bitch.
*commits commits commits to memory*
Jan. 30th, 2007 @ 05:16 am
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maybeaperson's journal
